Thread: Things to do at Walmart while you are waiting for your wife.

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and
pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while;
and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

You squated by their loo ...oops, by the "wailing mart" loo???




Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers
by Carrie Metz- English

Whining, screaming, crying, kicking, wailing, biting, holding breath until blue.



That’s right. I’ve become that Wal-Mart mother we all love to hate.



After threatening my children with throttling the life from their very existence while wielding the shopping cart down Wal-Mart’s topiary aisle, I realized I had become the mother shoppers like to give dirty looks to. The look of “Can’t you tape their mouths shut with duct tape? Can’t you leave them at home? Can’t I for once have a peaceful shopping expedition in Wal-Mart without having to order a bourbon straight up to calm my nerves” has finally been glared upon me.



It’s not like I didn’t coach the children before our arrival. They had it down pact, so I thought.



“We will not run down the aisles.”

“We will not scream and holler.”

“We will not grab little old ladies butts.”



Entering Wal-Mart, I was pleased to take note that my children had thanked the cart lady, perhaps taking the task a bit too seriously when they bowed before her. But hey, at least they took my teachings to heart.



After meandering down the gold fish aisle and the cellulite removal aisle, the action started to heat up, comments reaching new decibel raising heights.



“She’s looking at me cross-eyed!”

“Big old bully, quit hogging the lane or my mommy will beat you up!”

“I need, I need, I want, I want, I just gotta have this or my life is over!”



Repeat 202 times.



I soon started humming Bibbiti-Boppity-Boo to calm my frayed nerves. My head rocking from side to side, the intercom interrupts my relaxed state of clamor.



“Lost and Found Alert- Found-One little blonde girl, pink Cinderella shirt, missing shorts and droopy diaper. Says her mother’s name is Cruella DeVille. Please claim her at the Customer Service Department.”



Realizing we were one short of kids, I sent my oldest daughter to claim the found item, not wanting to be held personally accountable for the runaway tactics of the child. Along the way, I found her shorts by the beach towel aisle. Guess she thought she wanted to take a swim in the plastic kiddy pool set up by the sand buckets.



After the hustle and bustle of our reunion, tantrums occurred after I buzzed by the Spiderman II aisle, the Bratz counters and the Care Bear displays.



Mission Impossible- We must get out of here.



Finally we reached the check-out lanes and in a moment of incoherent whim, I decide to try out the new self check-out lanes.



Scanner goes berserk, security whistles blare, and the computer tells me never to attempt the self check-out lane again. After waiting 15 minutes for a Self Check Inventory Control Technician to override the computer system’s message, my son tells me he has to go, like really bad.



I tell him to wait. He tells me his eyes are starting to turn yellow. I tell him the yellow compliments the green in his eyes. He in turn retaliates by calling me the meanest witch he knows. Youngest girl screams herself into a stupor over not being able to reach her Super-sized Lollypop and winds up ****ing her lunch on the gum selections. The oldest is calling my husband on the cell phone telling him to “Come quick. She’s gonna blow!”



Having held my breath for the last five minutes, I gasped for air and yelled, “Listen here you little vagrants. All I wanted to do was get a couple of groceries. Now I am going to be charged with attempted murder and I have all these bystanders to witness that the act was a moment of insanity. Don’t think I won’t do it!”



Murmurs from the near-by shoppers went along the lines of “poor children” “awful mother” “no patience” etc etc.



So that my friends is how I received the honorable glares of being “That mother in Wal-Mart.”



“Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers. The price has now been reduced on all Anxiety Reduction medical prescriptions and headphones! As always, thank you for shopping your friendly Wal-Mart stores.”

BUMP....this is soooo funny to reminice!!!